How is that putting in boundaries with kids so challenging? How do we respond with empathy when a child is angry and why is it so easy to get triggered?
This is especially challenging where:-
- A parent has also experienced being disciplined as a negative experience so has swung the pendulum the other way for their own parenting approach.
- A parent fears a child’s rejection.
- A parent is compensating in some way.
- A parent fears any possibility of conflict.
- A parent has found implementing structure a challenge as they were not given structure as a child.
- A parent’s own inner child is triggered so the anger response in the parent is triggered either outwardly or inwardly.
Putting in boundaries are part of implementing structure for a child. This is important as it provides emotional containment and something for teens to push against. This is an important part of the individuation process, the path to leaving the nest. A child feels less anxious with them despite potential outward protesting. Without them, a child can become self reliant leading to potential issues around trust.
Applying the model of DDP, Hughes promotes PACE, Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy, we are able find more meaning to the responses of a child.
The challenge is how parents too can stay regulated and reflective upon the others person’s voice and that leading to young person/child to be more open hearted and feel able to be more vulnerable.
As a parent are you able to self-regulate and mirror your child and then slowly support the child to regulation. This is called matching the affect. If you can come across as open hearted and engaged, a child feels really met leading to greater connection. At a conference recently, Dan Hughes recently reminded us all to reflect upon how we meet a child from the first meeting non verbally and to remember how we come across from facial expression not forgetting the words and tone we use stays more story telling rather than stern. If we do become authoritarian, the open engaged brain is shut down and that lovely sense of inter subjectivity is lost as our meeting is not modified by compassion for the child’s world.
What can results is for the child to become rebellious and feel anger or the child is more fearful and presents as a, submissive or dominated child. The permissive child may seek out others for leadership and dominance.
If you would like tips to stay regulated when putting in the boundaries, do contact me and lets see if we can work together on any challenges you face.