Supporting Your Adoptive Child

Going Back To School

I have been a UKCP registered psychotherapist and adoption specialist since 2011. I support parents, bringing my knowledge of attachment theory as a way of understanding their particular child and the connection between them. Being particularly informed by Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) and Theraplay, two mutually symbiotic attachment therapies. Supporting your adoptive child going back to school can bring many challenges. Both for them as well as you and the rest of your family.

As we slowly emerge from lockdown, I have been asked to offer my expertise to support adoptive children about their return to school in September.

My experience to date is that each adopted child has responded differently to lockdown. For some children, they have thrived away from the school routine and the adaptations and demands to fit in at school.  With some, family connections have improved and shored up a greater sense of connection. For others, maintaining self-directed learning has asked too much of them and also of parents.

Supporting your child

Typically, this period of year is commonly challenging for many adoptive kids reaching the end of year. For many adoptive kids, school is an incredibly supportive and structured environment. And looking into the wide vastness of empty space and a new year/school can be daunting. This year, I suggest supporting your kids especially with any school transitions.

• Look for opportunities to talk to your teen/child around how they feel about lockdown and school ending. If there is no obvious ending being created by school. Then write a letter to create one. It is important that your teen/child has this opportunity to have positive endings given that all adoptive children have experienced a sudden end earlier in their life. Some teachers have created important bonds with their children. Lockdown may have not given teens/kids a chance to do this tidily.
• Have a chat with your teen/child. Using the DDP concept Playfulness Acceptance Curiosity and Empathy to gauge what might be going on for your child. One of the DDP tips is to guess if no obvious answer is forthcoming – ‘I wonder if you might feel…’  You can be pretty sure a teen/child will let you know if you are off beam.
• Check your self-care and couple care levels. Given lockdown, parents have worked tirelessly and may have less capacity to support and mop up emotion directed towards parents.
• Notice how you are feeling towards your child. If you are feeling rejected by your teen, then it is not long before a parent can also put up barriers.  Contributing to a situation where both parties push each other away – called blocked trust by Dan Hughes. This takes all the joy out of parenting and it is useful to tackle this early.
• Some of your teens may struggle with maintaining and keeping connections. Returning to school brings ups fear of being rejected again. As a parent, notice if your child is still in social connection or withdrawing. They may need gentle encouragement to get connections to happen.
• For further supportive information about the concepts above or take a look at ddpnetwork.org for lots more resources.

Everyday Parenting with Security and Love by Kim Golding.